


Haikyuu!! Episode 69: Nuclear Holocaust, Desu~

by elwoodhannibal



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Death, Gen, Haikyuu - Freeform, Hinata - Freeform, Kageyama - Freeform, North Korea, Nuclear Holocaust, Other, Prepare to Have Your Fandom Annihilated., haikyuu!! - Freeform, suga - Freeform, yeet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:05:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6957652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwoodhannibal/pseuds/elwoodhannibal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a lot of nukes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haikyuu!! Episode 69: Nuclear Holocaust, Desu~

It was another average day for the Karasuno High School Volleyball Club. They were spiking volleyballs, talking, and indulging in Rated-M hardcore gay smut of themselves. 

"Wow, Kageyama!" said Hinata from one of the benches. "This is awfully descriptive! I can't believe this is allowed on the Internet!"

"Shut up," said Kageyama. He was never going to admit that he was the one who wrote it.

Then, all of a sudden, fallout sirens began to blare around them, almost as if it were a lazy plot device conjured up because nothing else interesting was bound to happen in a volleyball practice session. Suddenly, Suga burst through the doors.

"Get down, everyone! The Pyongyang Supreme Grand Ultimate High School Volleyball Club has launched their nukes!"

Karasuno knew Pyongyang Supreme Grand Ultimate High School (PSGUHS) well. They had competed against them at a tournament in which they were immediately disqualified for bringing the entire North Korean People's Army to compete, as well as bringing loaded AK-47s to the court. They were shamed in front of the entire International Volleyball League. PSGUHS was not one to take defeat lying down, however. They had connections in the People's Army and to Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un himself, a player back in the glory days of the league. (He once spiked the ball so hard that it dug a hole through the Earth to America and blew up Western infidels!) They had access to plenty of nukes for this reason. And so, disgraced by their unjust and surely weighted defeat by Karasuno, they launched a total of 37 nuclear warheads, all aimed at Karasuno High School. Make no mistake, the students, faculty, and especially the volleyball club were to be obliterated.

So, they ran to their defense shelter, which was actually just the rank and moldy locker room where Hinata and Kageyama once made out with each other. There's a few fanfics about it out there, I'm sure. The sirens blared and screams could be heard for miles, but there was nothing they could do. So they sat in the defense closet and waited for their death to arrive. But while they were there, they decided to make some small talk. Because on the verge of total nuclear annihilation, what better way to prepare than with pointless dialogue?

"So. We're about to be completely destroyed, huh?" pondered Kageyama.

"Yup," said Suga. "37 is not a small number of nuclear warheads."

"Pyongyang Supreme Grand Ultimate High School is a bunch of whiny losers anyways," pouted Kageyama, a single tear dripping from his eye. "They just can't handle a loss."

"Neither can you, Kageyama," bawled Hinata sassily, the sent of fresh fecal matter emanating off of him.

"Hinata, no's not the time to be p-- did you poop your pants?" asked Suga, plugging his nose in horror.

"A couple times, actually. Sorry, Suga-chan."

"No, you're not. You just did it again!" he remarked, pointing towards the fresh brown stream dripping into Hinata's gym socks.

And so the team began to argue, over poop and volleyball and who knows what else. Not even waiting for the disintegration of their every atom in a dark, musty, closet could quell their bickering. And then, it happened, like a shower of pain flying through the sky, all 37 warheads fell directly onto the school, creating a blast so large and destructive that all of Japan could feel its nuclear wrath. The flesh on every volleyball player's body began to turn to ash. Their bones caught fire and their inner organs ruptured and shriveled like raisins.

Except for Hinata. He had loaded his drawers enough times that it built a protective covering over him, and all that ended up happening was the fallout infected him and turned him  
into a giant, shambling, poop-monster, with a savage appetite and a lack of human mannerisms. He ravaged the dirty nuclear wastelands of Japan and Karasuno High School, mourning the loss of his friends in a way only nuclear poop-monsters could. He came across Kageyama's corpse under a pile of glowing rubble and wept, internally vowing revenge on PSGUHS. But there was only one problem with his plan... poop-monsters aren't good swimmers.

He drowned in the Pacific Ocean, 2,895.9 miles from Pyongyang.

YAY MEGA-HAPPY ENDING~


End file.
